awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
