I'm lost and stupid without you.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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