its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
