Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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