You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
