You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
