fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
