my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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