You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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