I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize