***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
