I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
