I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
