Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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