and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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