why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
