no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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