Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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