They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
