when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize