Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
