Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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