If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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