I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
