I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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