Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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