so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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