He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize