the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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