I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
