oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
