yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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