Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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