Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Maybe he injected his testicle?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
