im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
