If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
