i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
