My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
