your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize