Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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