Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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