I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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