I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He has the fingertips of a God
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
