and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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