i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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