I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
