I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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