i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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