I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
