You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
