Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
