I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
