I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
