people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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