I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
