I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
