I murdered the dance floor call the cops
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize