The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
