My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
