I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
