would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
