I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
