I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize