he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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