Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
