I looked at my own cervix.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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