New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
