That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
