Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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