Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
