hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
