Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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